Friday, December 07, 2007

Perhaps I should bake this weekend.

From the wellness coordinator at my place of employment (my comments are in italics):

1. If you eat a Christmas Cookie, fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free. (Of course. If the baker can't eat it, who can? Must test.)
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories. (But what about coffee?)
3. If a friend comes over while you are making your Christmas Cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calories free, rule #1, yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and being the friend that you are that makes your cookie calorie free. (Oh, heavens, I must be a good friend while baking.)
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. (Gravity does enough bad things to my body; this may balance it out. No pun intended.)
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas Cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue. (Huh? I frost with a small rubber spatula.)
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have 3 and Green ones have 5 – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones! (If they're plain, does that mean they have five calories or none?)
7. If you eat cookies while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” these also have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. (I prefer Charlie Brown Christmas. Does that count?)
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. (I thought it was called calorie evaporation. Well, if it works, great. Call it what you will.)
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. (Have you honestly seen cookies left on another person's plate? If so, you need a new recipe.) And finally…
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed has no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It’s a rule! (Does this work for the accompanying beverages as well? I sense a double peppermint mocha on the horizon.)

Disclaimer – This is your humorous stress relief for today and cookies really do have calories!!(Oh, darn it, she would have to add this! Do not eat the rocker. Do not eat the rocker.) Happy Baking!

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Blogger ames said...

ha! That makes me feel much better about the cookies I just made and devoured! What about the dough? That shouldn't have any calories since it's not a cookie yet, right?

12/07/2007 5:44 PM  
Blogger Maddy said...

My sister enjoys your same logic when it comes to cookies. Fortunately I'm immune.

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

12/07/2007 5:45 PM  
Blogger Sheila said...

OK, I'm am going to ignore the last paragraph and eat my calorie free cookies in peace! :)

12/07/2007 7:40 PM  
Blogger Karen Olson said...

I think this would've been so much more fun if she hadn't added in that disclaimer. I mean, if someone didn't realize it was a joke, then perhaps that someone would just have to suffer the consequences of eating all those cookies. But then, I have a sick sense of humor and I would find that terribly funny.

12/07/2007 8:52 PM  

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