Depression hurts and confuses.

Yesterday, my back hurt and my head hurt. My back hurt because I have no energy to stand or walk for any length of time. Making lunch or supper meant pushing my limits, which caused pain. My head hurt from exhaustion; I slept much of the morning, despite sleeping well the previous night.

Rest is hard to come by in this Midwestern work ethic. I feel like I should be constantly accomplishing something. During the playoffs and the Super Bowl, I could allow myself to watch a game or two - but there was usually laundry in the washer and dryer while I was watching. I'm taking an online class right now, and getting that work done helps rationalize another nap.

Depression hurts emotionally. Dredging out the energy to make small talk, even with family, is tough sometimes. I've always been a peacemaker - at work and at home. Right now, I just want to walk away. I don't have the energy to converse, much less mediate.

Some days I have more questions than answers. I've had flashback dreams of that November night in the ER, the night with the chest pains that scared the heck out of me. Why the flashbacks? I don't know. It doesn't mean I want to be sicker or go to the hospital. This dream may just mean I'm doing too much, too soon, too fast. Maybe it's a warning that I need to slow down, no matter what my Midwestern work ethic might say.

Lately, recovery consists of two steps forward, one step back. Days exist when I have the energy to cook, but not clean the kitchen. I need to slow down and put myself first. Slow down, rest, and heal.

Now if only our state politics would let up, and I could stop watching news....

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